Eldest Daughter Syndrome

I said to someone trying to love me once; “Is this it? Do people just accept their dissatisfaction with life and … just accept it?!”

He said; “You look happy.” on the day I left.

Mid conversation I find myself staring wildly into someone else’s eyes. I hear myself voice, “ … and I’m afraid I’ll never grow out of it.” His gaze lowers. I bite my lip and retreat back into myself. I don’t remember the question. Was he even listening?

I listened to Noah Khan’s Dashboard and listened to myself being called an asshole.

I sat across the table from a childhood friend pontificating my hottest take on marriage with a resounding, “You can’t just put me in a house!” And he said;

“What if you had multiple houses?”

It’s getting closer.

My friend said it’s not a place or a person. Home is the stars. And that’s why it all feels wrong. And I’m supposed to find home within myself.

But I’ve felt home next to someone once. I don’t know where they are anymore

— if aliens abducted me I’d probably say thank you.