give from a full cup

A client came to me whose body had given up on her. 

She became debilitated and sick after an extended period of profound physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual stress,

Her identity became entangled with being a "helpoholic".

With the good intention of living selflessly, she neglected to listen to her own Godliness. In her overzealousness to heal and help others, she forgot to acknowledge her body and listen to it; before her body had to scream.

At the end of the session, her checkout emotion was “selfish.” 

She felt selfish for allowing herself to receive care. 

My friend and I mulled the concept of selfishness over dinner. We ended up talking in circles, attempting to decipher the difference between “good” selfishness and “bad” selfishness. We identified a difference in the definition of the word, but did not conclude; we left the restaurant with more questions than answers. 

Going back through my notes from my catechism classes, I may have found a plausible answer. 

The question is;

Does the selfish act separate us from God?

(God = love)

According to the catechism, enlightenment doesn’t come from trying hard; it comes from surrender to the illumination of God from our hearts – illuminating ourselves to our sinful nature. 

As God humbles us, we become less offended and more open to receiving help from the Holy Spirit.

Without God, we burn out. We cannot do it on our own; only through the power of the Holy Spirit. 

Selfishness in our sins separates us from God. Choosing lust, pride, greed, envy, gluttony, wrath, or sloth ultimately condemns our freedom and forces us into overperformance or underperformance, negatively impacting our relationship with self and others.

We are called to love our neighbors as ourselves. This commandment is a direct calling to love ourselves. Boundaries and recognizing over-care are ways to love ourselves alongside self-compassion and self-care; are these considered selfish? What underlying emotions are tied to the idea of selfishness? Shame? Guilt? Why? How did we get there?

I would like to play with the idea of noble selfishness. 

Noble selfishness can look like saying no to a night out because you plan to wake up early to work out, or waiting to call someone until you’ve calmed down to have a coherent conversation. Noble selfishness can look like growing, moving forward, and leaving if the situation is chaotic or toxic. It can look like taking time to rest and recharge. 

All of these examples could be called other things like discernment, discipline, or priorities, but all have a sort of underlying self-interest that could be externally viewed as selfish.

Another piece of the bigger picture is identity.

The concept of living from {I am, I have, I do} guides our understanding of identity. 

We start from a place of abundance — I am loved, I am enough, I am cherished — and by virtue of being children of God, we have access to the kingdom inheritance, then from there we do acts of good. 

An alternative way to think about this is, what does identity look in a different order?

I do good deeds, so I am enough, and I have acceptance? Or, I have money,  I entertain people, so I am loved?

Operating from {I am, I have, I do}, moves us out of a performative mindset into a growth mindset.

Furthermore, good deeds are a fruit of a relationship with Jesus.

Taking quiet time and periods of rest to connect with Christ brings us closer into communion with the Holy Spirit. Honoring a routine that maintains wellness is spiritual hygiene.

• Jeremiah 29:11: "‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future’"

• 2 Corinthians 9:8: "And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others".

• Matthew 11:28-29: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." 

• Psalm 37:7: "Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way." 

  
  

Therefore, it is not selfish (in the traditional sense) to receive love and care, to rest, and to prioritize wellness. It is not selfish to set boundaries and practice discernment of spirits. It is good and Godly, noble and wise to give from a full cup.